Monday, October 26, 2009

What Gives?

This is really embarrassing. I mean, Purgatory is Catholic. Not that I have anything against Catholics. Heck, my most famous role was a Catholic guy. But I was sorta Presbyterian, and Presbyterians are Protestants. At least that's what this guy named John Calvin told me, and he seemed to know a lot about it. He was around here for the first few weeks after I arrived, but I think he got moved on upstairs. It happens, you know.

Don't get me wrong. What I'm saying is that going on up higher is the whole point of this place. Get the old spiritual pipes blown out so you can make the next step. Still, I kinda miss John. He was my mentor, you might say, and he'd been here since 1593 or something like that. Which surprised me. I didn't even know they had Christianity back then. Well, you live and learn. Sometimes you die and learn, even.

And one of the things I've learned since I died is that when you run as a conservative and then triple the national debt like I did you need to avoid Barry Goldwater like the plague. I mean, what is it with that guy? I don't need to worry too much about him, though. The Gipper can duck and dart with the best of them, and you can always see Barry coming a mile away since he's the original frontal assault guy. I'm telling you I don't even have to cover my back. Ready!-Fire!-Aim!! That's him. Then there was Eisenhower. He just looked at me and shook his head sadly and turned away. I hate to sound like Rodney Daingerfield, but I would have hoped to get more respect than that out of Ike. After all, I did win Cold War. Right? Or at least that's what I've been told by some of my fans. Couldn't swear to it myself. Last thing I remember is dropping off to sleep while talking to that old guy in the funny dress over there in Rome. After that it's all just a blur until I came to down here.

I haven't run into Richard Nixon yet. I did ask one of the cherubim about him, and he just laughed and said in this weird Italian accent, "Tricky Dick? You won't see him around here." I don't know what he meant by that. Reminded me of a line out of The Godfather.

I notice that you folks have a black president now, and that's just fine with me. I was always favorably disposed toward darkies myself, and it just goes to prove what a great country America really is. I wish he wasn't such a liberal, though. We all need to remember a government big enough to give you everything you think you already have is big enough to take away everything you know you might want. Or something like that. Look, my last couple of years in office were a bit foggy, and after that? Forget about it!

I keep waiting for Maggie and Gorby to arrive. Then we'll really have some fun. Somebody mentioned Ollie North the other day. They were wondering when he's going to show up. Just between you and me, I hope he doesn't make the cut. I mean, it's stressful enough here with all the classes and prayers and what-not without that pompous little asshole and his paper shredder landing right in the middle of things.

They tell me one of the things we have to learn down here is humility. Heck, I thought I already had some. What I'm saying is that I would have been willing to tell Mr. Anybody that I know I'm not Laurence Olivier. But then, they never made Olivier cut a film with a chimp, did they?

We just got an emergency announcement over the P.A. System. They're putting the whole place under lock-down. One of the seraphim I've gotten pretty chummy with told me it's because Hunter Thompson is on the loose with five hundred tabs of acid and a quart of something called Ibogaine. Boy, if I'd known you can take it with you I would have brought along a barrel of jelly beans and....

To Be Continued.


  1. How long does one usually stay in purgatory? Are there tests?

  2. Don't ask me. Actually, it is thought to be centuries.

  3. Goodness gracious, I don't suppose I should be laughing so hard when dear old Ronnie, I mean, President Reagan is in such dire straights.